I’m okay, but I almost wasn’t

I’m okay, but I almost wasn’t.

He wouldn’t stop insisting, coercing, pushing me,
I thought he was joking at first,

In my own bed, in my own home, he wouldn’t listen,

I said no,

You’re not gonna stop are you

Nervous laughter.

“You’re kidding right?”

It doesn’t bother me, you don’t have to stop.

“I’m not comfortable, I won’t do that again.”

He made me sick to my stomach, then asked if he could do it again.

 

More aggressive now.

 

I want to come.

Real laughter. Surely he’s kidding now.

He has to be kidding.

No, come on. You can do it.

“I’m uncomfortable, I don’t want to.”

You have to.

“I don’t have to do anything.”

“I’m uncomfortable, no!”

 

Panic now.

 

We’re fucking in the morning.

Silence.

We are, I hope you know that; we’re fucking when you wake up.

“Dude, you need to chill.”

My final attempt to pacify him.

Shut. The. Fuck. Up!

“Get out of my apartment right now!”

I point a trembling finger in the direction of the door.

Whoa! Chill, chill.

“NO! You don’t talk to me like that. Get out!”

Just, just chill dude. Whatever.

He rolls over in a huff of anger,

My cries are left dangling in thin air,

Unanswered.

Unheard.

Not a care.

 

Fear now.

 

I can’t stay here.

I can’t sleep beside him,

He the predator, me the prey.

My roommate’s room, her boyfriend is here.

Support, tears

They listen,

They hear.

 

Anger now.

 

Come back to bed sweetheart. Talk to me.

“You should go.”

I’m harmless, sorry I made it weird.

“I don’t know you and I don’t trust you.

You’re an aggressive stranger.

You need to go.”

Do you want me to go?

“Yes.”

I don’t know the address; we should just go back to-

“No. Either you can go back to bed in there, til morning,

and I wait right here.

Or you can go now.”

I mean, I don’t want you to have to wait-

“Then you can leave now.”

 

He watches me trembling in fear,

Til next time.

 

His voice echos in my eardrums,

Buzzing from the inside out,

I wish to rattle my skull and watch his diction crumble,

Like the monster under my bed,

From way back when I was 10,

 

Til next time,

he says.

 

No, I am not okay.

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